Our family's adventures living in Amman, Jordan

Grief

Tomorrow my Daddy will have been gone one month.  My heart doesn’t know how that could be possible, but my head tells me that it is.   It was so sudden, so unexpected, there was no time to prepare, no time to try to come to grips with the situation….We left Amman for summer vacation worried about mom’s recent diagnosis of breast cancer but confident this was just a bump in the road of fun summer plans and that she would be fine.   What we learned instead is that there are no guarantees, life doesn’t owe you anything, and  bad things happen to good people— sometimes to people you love.  On the other hand, we also learned that there are indeed angels on earth and sometimes you have been experiencing miracles all along, you just didn’t recognize them as such .

My grief is in process.  I have not fully recognized I lost my father. I am still in shock.  Because real life doesn’t afford most people the time to contemplate the loss they have just experienced, you find yourself thrown back into work, carpools, homework, social obligations as you operate with a broken heart and an exhausted body.

I am looking forward to a quiet weekend.  Time to catch my breath, time to read, time to pray, time to cry, and time to enjoy my family.  Friends who have lost parents have provided support and tell me this takes time.  They reassure me that my feelings of heartache and fatigue and mind numbing sadness is normal and that time does help.  I know they are right, but at this moment in time, it is hard to imagine feeling anything but sad.

Mom has another surgery next week.  It would be very easy to fall into a “why me? why our family?” way of thinking.  When I feel like I am getting pulled down that path, I read the news, log onto a grief support website or look outside my front door.   Perspective comes.  No, we were not ready for Dad to go, especially in the manner he did. Nor was I prepared to deal with both parents having cancer at the same time.  I would love things to be different; I wanted my Dad with me for many more years as there were so many more good times to be had!  I am angry he is gone so soon.  But, there it is again, perspective.  I had my mom and dad both for 46 years.  Not everyone does.  My mom will be fine.  Not everyone’s is.   I know without a shadow of a doubt my father loved me and he knew I loved him. Not everyone is that blessed.   And in the midst of my tears, in the midst of my anger, I know I have to give thanks for what I was given.  Do I want to scream about how unfair this all is?   Sometimes.  But again—then again—it is easy to find someone who has suffered more.  And I’m back to being grateful for my blessings.

 

 

 

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2 responses

  1. Anonymous

    Leslie – I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. The unexpected part of your father’s death is tough to take. And you’re right – it’s unfair. I still get somewhat angry that my kids didn’t get to know my parents or have that grandparent relationship as part of their lives. I encourage you to have that time of grief – a quiet weekend helps. But let your beautiful spirit triumph over it. Yes, life is unfair, but we can’t let it beat us & make us bitter. And of course, you’re never alone. God is your constant companion, sees every tear that falls, and is the greatest strength and love we could ever need, want or hope for.

    Love you friend,
    Carol

    September 22, 2011 at 1:42 pm

  2. Lesley,
    My heart is breaking with you. I am so sorry to read of the loss of your Dad and the illness with your mom. My sister Steffy (37) was just diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. We just found out the end of August. I feel the same way schocked and so full of sadness. I will be praying for you and your family.

    Susy

    September 22, 2011 at 3:52 pm

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